Limericks

May 2, 2020
Originally published on May 2, 2020 1:13 pm
Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org.

And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the Wait Wait Quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking your questions, all in the comfort of your home. Wednesday, by the way, is a word we used to use back when there was any difference at all between the days of the week.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

NEVA DEREWETZKI: HI. I'm Neva (ph). I'm from Houston.

SAGAL: Hey, Neva in Houston. How are things?

DEREWETZKI: Oh, it's OK. It's getting warm again, so...

SAGAL: Yeah.

DEREWETZKI: You know, it's really humid.

SAGAL: That'll happen. And so are you normally in Houston? Or is that where you chose to shelter in place?

DEREWETZKI: So actually, I'm a senior in college. This is my last week of classes.

SAGAL: Oh, my gosh.

DEREWETZKI: And I (laughter) - yeah, it's crazy. I went to school up in Ohio, and I actually drove back home a couple weeks ago.

SAGAL: Really? Are you able to do the traditional sort of college graduation things with your parents - like, for example, binge drinking?

DEREWETZKI: You know, I've asked them before, but I don't know if they're, like, pro-binge drinking yet.

SAGAL: Well, only one way to find out. Go for it, Neva.

DEREWETZKI: (Laughter).

JOEL KIM BOOSTER: Do a keg stand with mom.

SAGAL: Exactly.

DEREWETZKI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Well, Neva, welcome to our show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. Your job, of course - fill in that last word or phrase correctly on just two of the limericks, you'll be a winner - a graduate, if you will, of our rigorous program. Are you ready to play?

DEREWETZKI: I think as ready as I'll ever be.

SAGAL: I think you're right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: In quarantine, I seem to grow locks, and my forehead lines once again show shocks. To keep skin's perfection, I need an injection. So give me emergency...

DEREWETZKI: Botox.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Dermatologists to the stars are reporting that their clients are calling and begging for more Botox injections even though the offices are all closed. Now, without Botox, known for giving celebrities that just got embalmed look, the faces of celebrities quickly collapse. The good news is Justin Bieber has just landed a role in the new "Cocoon" reboot...

AMY DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And we've just learned Robert Downey Jr. has actually been a shar pei the whole time.

(LAUGHTER)

BOOSTER: We're all staring at ourselves on Zoom all day. I mean, of course, we're going to feel a little crazy about the way our face looks. I've never been more familiar with my own frickin' face, at least the last couple of weeks.

SAGAL: Do you guys - is this - I honestly thought this was just me, but I'm beginning to realize it's not - that when you're on a Zoom call, and you're not talking, you're always just staring at your own face...

BOOSTER: Absolutely.

SAGAL: ...In horror...

ALONZO BODDEN: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Terror, amazement, fascination.

BODDEN: I would be shocked that there's a Hollywood doctor that wouldn't make house calls for Botox. I mean, you're talking - you know how much money they're willing to pay...

DICKINSON: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...For you to come in and give them a shot? I would guess a Hollywood shar pei is getting better treatments...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...Than most of us sitting right here right now. Are you kidding me?

SAGAL: Neva, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: This middle seat might squeeze my knees hard. As a flyer, I'm droplet- and wheeze-scarred. To keep us contained, they're reworking the planes. The seats will all come with a...

DEREWETZKI: Um...

SAGAL: You often find them on salad bars.

DEREWETZKI: Oh, a sneeze guard.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes, a sneeze guard.

DICKINSON: Yay.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: If you're someone who misses flying, why? Airplanes - giant flying boxes filled with sneeze - are innovating, though, in the time of coronavirus by putting smaller boxes of sneeze around every seat. These new devices, if they're used, are basically plastic barriers between each seat. They're meant to minimize the spread of germs. But, you know, maybe if you want to do that, just start by putting your shoes back on, people.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Seriously.

SAGAL: Honest to God.

BODDEN: This is a minor adjustment on aircraft. I don't think that that's going to be the big issue. I think the big issue with aircraft is going to be getting people on them.

SAGAL: Yes.

BOOSTER: Yeah.

SAGAL: It is a problem.

BODDEN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And you know that even if they put plastic barriers between you and the next passenger, somehow, they're going to figure out a way to fall asleep and drool on your shoulder. It just...

BODDEN: (Laughter).

BOOSTER: If they made them, like, tinted, that would be pretty cool, so I don't have to talk to anybody.

SAGAL: Yeah. Woah, I'm sorry. I guess I can't hear you talking about your grandchildren, can I (laughter)?

DICKINSON: So I have an unrelated question.

SAGAL: By all means.

DICKINSON: But has anybody here been shamed for not wearing a face mask?

BODDEN: Amy, I'm 6-3, 250.

(LAUGHTER)

BOOSTER: At this point, I'm not even wearing a mask to protect myself or others from coronavirus. I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm Asian.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Oh, yeah. Oh.

SAGAL: Neva, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: It's a "Sims" game with grand, global scope where I travel, spread blessings and hope. The great Holy See is where I'm roaming free. In this game, I pretend to be...

DEREWETZKI: The pope.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The newly announced video game "Pope Simulator" will allow you to step into the pontiff's funny hat and lead the Catholic Church. (Imitating Italian accent) It's-a me, Francis.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: The pope is also now a playable character in the new "Mortal Kombat." But his strategy of just repeatedly turning the other cheek is not working for him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Neva do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Neva did wonderful. She got all three.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Neva. And even though no one can say it to you in a big, crowded field, congratulations on graduating college.

DEREWETZKI: Oh, thank you so much.

DICKINSON: Yay, Neva.

BOOSTER: Yay, congratulations.

BODDEN: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

BOOSTER: Yeah.

PETER SAGAL AND AMY DICKINSON: (Humming "Pomp And Circumstance").

SAGAL: That's all you get. I'm sorry, Neva.

BOOSTER: Wear sunscreen.

DEREWETZKI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Take care, and thanks for playing.

DEREWETZKI: Thank you so much. Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF BJORK SONG, "EARTH INTRUDERS") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.