Limericks

May 16, 2020
Originally published on May 16, 2020 11:11 am
Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, just check out the WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker because at least your robot isn't sick of you yet.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ANDY WAGNER: Hello, Peter. This is Andy Wagner from Raleigh, N.C.

SAGAL: Oh, how are things in beautiful Raleigh?

WAGNER: Oh, things are beautiful here in Raleigh. It's a beautiful day today.

SAGAL: It's a beautiful day in beautiful Raleigh. I'm glad to hear it. And what do you do there?

WAGNER: I work for a nationwide infrastructure design firm. I do transportation engineering.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. So you're designing things like highways, railroads, bus stations, that sort of thing.

WAGNER: Yes, exactly.

SAGAL: Have you ever decided to mess one up just to see what would people do when they can't get out of a cloverleaf?

WAGNER: You tend to get a lot of angry calls whenever you get between people and their destination.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I guess that's true. Well, welcome to the show, Andy. Bill Kurtis is now going to read you three news-related limericks, with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

WAGNER: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Wearing masks comes with one major flaw. It might slow our year-round Mardi Gras. To promote outdoor drinking, here's what I was thinking - a mask with a hole for a...

WAGNER: Straw.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Wearing a face mask is an effective way to stop the spread of germs, but it's not an effective way to slam down a super grande (ph) margarita. So luckily, a woman in New Orleans - where else? - created a face mask with a small hole in the front where you can insert first your drinking straw and then, in the due course of time, your ventilator.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Yeah, we're not supposed to use straws either, by the way.

SAGAL: Right. I know. We've...

POUNDSTONE: So it's certainly one transgression on top of another transgression.

SAGAL: Remember when we weren't supposed to use plastic bags at the supermarket? And now that's all we got.

TOM PAPA: Yeah, that's gone.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: It's all gone now.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: (Laughter) forget the dolphins.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Very good. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: In the halls of Las Vegas and Reno, we'll keep distance at blackjack and keno. You know we are scrambling to get back to gambling. Come on. Open up a...

WAGNER: Casino.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: MGM Resorts has unveiled a seven-point plan to safely reopen their Las Vegas casinos. The plan eliminates buffets, spaces at the slot machines and bans anyone from blowing on the dice unless they're certified lucky by the Nevada Board of Health.

PAPA: (Laughter).

POUNDSTONE: They also have another plan where they just leave a bucket outside of the casino, and people just drop their money in it.

SAGAL: It's just - it gets to the same place. It's safer.

POUNDSTONE: Exactly.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: I also...

POUNDSTONE: No one gets hurt.

PAPA: I also heard that the - with the call girls, you can only call them now.

SAGAL: They don't come, but you can call them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: It's the place where I act like a slouch. For its hygiene, nobody will vouch. I'm smushing (ph) my tush (ph) in its soft, fluffy cushion. Like most, I do not clean my...

WAGNER: Couch.

SAGAL: Couch. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new survey shows that while they are rarely cleaned, the average couch sees 7,000 spills and over 4,000 kisses on it in its lifetime.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: Close your eyes, couch, you pervert.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I have never owned a couch.

SAGAL: Really?

PAPA: Really?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, what's in your living room?

POUNDSTONE: I have Adirondack chairs in my living room.

PAPA: (Laughter).

SAGAL: So Paula, when you want to sit maybe with one of your kids or a friend and watch TV, what do you sit on?

POUNDSTONE: I don't want to.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Paula's built for quarantine.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I really am.

SAGAL: This whole thing, though, does make you wonder why we don't regularly clean our couches. They're, like, a combination between a bed, a napkin and your underpants.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: If you were a furniture salesman, they would pull you off the floor for that kind of talk.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Get in the back, Sagal.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Andy do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Andy scored big. He got them all right - 3-0, Andy. Good going.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Andy. Well done.

NEGIN FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

WAGNER: Thank you, Peter.

PAPA: I bet he was calling from a couch.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SITTING")

CAT STEVENS: (Singing) Sitting on my own, not by myself. Everybody's here with me. I don't need to touch your face to know, and I don't need to use my eyes to see. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.